Thursday, December 18, 2008
yearn
I’m learning what it means to yearn. I’m at a place where I can literally feel deep calling unto deep. He is beginning to teach me again about the heartbeat of it all. And this is it…It’s about a heart cry! It isn’t about doing the right things, knowing the right scripture, or being esteemed. It’s about yearning! Mary of Bethany poured her life into a bottle and broke it at His feet. It was extravagant. She didn’t count the cost, she didn’t think about what she was giving up. She viewed everything of her life in light of this Man Jesus and of His words! It’s about a longing for and a reaching for in the heart! If we settle for anything less we’ve lost it all! It isn’t making Him a part of our life…it’s the very essence of who we are! We have missed simple adoration and devotion as His people. When is the last time we were truly hungry for Him? He wants to restore one corporate and collective cry of “COME LORD JESUS!” We must cry, we must contend, we must yearn again. I believe God is inviting us now to look our barrenness in the face and let Him restore the cry of our youth! He wants to restore the newness of our salvation. I remember when I first fell in love with Jesus, the first time I ever felt His touch...it changed me. There was desperation and a yearning that is unmatchable. I had to be alone with Him; I had to know the kiss of His Word! My heart literally ached for His presence. He is restoring this in His people again! He has been speaking to me out of Song of Solomon 3 where she is running through the streets asking if anyone had seen the one her heart loves, and she declares that when she finds Him she will not let Him go! That is my heart cry. My heart is searching Him out! I feel like my Spirit is fleeing though His mysteries, aching for Him to speak, holding on for dear life to every word He says to me. We must prize it above everything else. It must be prized above the newest and the most relevant things in Christianity. We have to let Him strike our pride and agenda to our very core so that we may be brought to nothing. It is in our nothingness that He comes! It is His desire that we access Heaven. It is His desire to provide us with the keys of the Kingdom so that we may open doors that no man can shut! These keys are not another trendy program or another technique; it’s about His Spirit within us colliding with His very heart that we may be equipped to change the world. It’s deep calling unto deep! When He comes He convicts, when He comes He teaches, when He comes power is released…the question is of when He comes! Intimacy has been lost in the Church. We have lost power in our churches because we have forgotten the keys of the Kingdom. We have to yearn. We must put our life into a bottle and waste it at His feet. We must spend ourselves on Him. My flesh and my Spirit are in a constant battle for my heart. My flesh tells me it's foolish to waste oneself so unsparingly on Him. But, just as I end most of my blogs, it comes down to this...I have to know Him. I will know Him.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
overflow
overflow is the only word i know to describe my life right now... literally it has been the most rewarding yet exhausting summer of my life. the reality of the unseen is becoming more real to me than anything my humanly eyes can show me. i am blessed. i am ruined.
i am painfully aware of His presence at every moment. i had only previously thought to understand what it meant to be in His presence. i recently had an encounter that left me absolutely broken before Him. it has changed me in capacities i wasn't even aware i needed change. but i guess that is what the Spirit does, when He shows up everything changes. ha...anyway...within His presence all i could do was cry and regurgitate back to Him His own identity...Holy, Worthy, Righteous. all words that seemed to fail in comparison to His Greatness. it was a throneroom experience that has begun to help me understand how the 4 living creatures and the elders can cry "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come" and never grow tired. everytime His light shone back upon me in this visitation a new aspect of Him would absolutely overtake me. there is no one like Him in all the earth, and for once i'm not just speaking it as though it were. in that place, i meant it. my mind, body, soul, and spirit seemed to be consumed by it. I REALLY MEANT IT. i never wanted to get up off of that floor ever again. in that place there was everything i needed. literally, the thought of ever moving from that spot made me want to scream...and i did. but with this comes a fear. i'm tired of people running around talking about the glory of God with no understanding of what it means. the glory of God is a scary thing. what this generation needs is a realization of who they are in comparison to this glory! THAT IS REAL REVIVAL. It's more than a laugh, a song, a nice concept...do we really understand that He is holy? i don't understand it yet. but i have resolved in my heart to turn from the lusts of our age and to press into the communtion i was created to live in with the Uncreated. i am desperate for His truth. i am starving for the knowledge of God. i need the revelation of the Word made flesh! apart from Him there is no good inside me. i am in constant need of His will and His authority in my life. i do not love Him rightly, but i am learning. the Word sasy if you say you love God but hate your brother, then you are a liar. i have lied to God's face. but i crave to love perfectly, and i am letting Him teach me what love really means. He is teaching me to be a servant, with a life laid down in love. i will be a servant because Jesus was the ultimate servant. i am learning grace. i have recently realized that this is another thing i really don't quite get yet. you see, i have offered all kinds of the "grace" to people in the world, but when Christians fall i so easily turn my head in disgust. but, you see, forgiveness is for unbelievers, not grace. grace is only for those who are already forgiven. and forgiveness is something i could never offer.
a couple of months ago i thought so highly of my spiritual life. and if i could of known then where i'd be now, i'd probably be quite impressed. but that is seeing with my natural eyes. the glory of God has ruined me. everything in my flesh, even if it be something spiritual, is only filthy rags if the intent of my heart is incorrect. my spiritual eyes have heightened my understanding of how wicked the human heart really is. in His mercy i have seen that my heart is desperately unrighteous. but i serve a God who does not turn a deaf ear to my cries. He is patient and kind to me. He loves the yes in my heart. He is faithful to teach me what my Spirit groans for.
i will know Him. whatever it takes, i will know him.
i am painfully aware of His presence at every moment. i had only previously thought to understand what it meant to be in His presence. i recently had an encounter that left me absolutely broken before Him. it has changed me in capacities i wasn't even aware i needed change. but i guess that is what the Spirit does, when He shows up everything changes. ha...anyway...within His presence all i could do was cry and regurgitate back to Him His own identity...Holy, Worthy, Righteous. all words that seemed to fail in comparison to His Greatness. it was a throneroom experience that has begun to help me understand how the 4 living creatures and the elders can cry "Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come" and never grow tired. everytime His light shone back upon me in this visitation a new aspect of Him would absolutely overtake me. there is no one like Him in all the earth, and for once i'm not just speaking it as though it were. in that place, i meant it. my mind, body, soul, and spirit seemed to be consumed by it. I REALLY MEANT IT. i never wanted to get up off of that floor ever again. in that place there was everything i needed. literally, the thought of ever moving from that spot made me want to scream...and i did. but with this comes a fear. i'm tired of people running around talking about the glory of God with no understanding of what it means. the glory of God is a scary thing. what this generation needs is a realization of who they are in comparison to this glory! THAT IS REAL REVIVAL. It's more than a laugh, a song, a nice concept...do we really understand that He is holy? i don't understand it yet. but i have resolved in my heart to turn from the lusts of our age and to press into the communtion i was created to live in with the Uncreated. i am desperate for His truth. i am starving for the knowledge of God. i need the revelation of the Word made flesh! apart from Him there is no good inside me. i am in constant need of His will and His authority in my life. i do not love Him rightly, but i am learning. the Word sasy if you say you love God but hate your brother, then you are a liar. i have lied to God's face. but i crave to love perfectly, and i am letting Him teach me what love really means. He is teaching me to be a servant, with a life laid down in love. i will be a servant because Jesus was the ultimate servant. i am learning grace. i have recently realized that this is another thing i really don't quite get yet. you see, i have offered all kinds of the "grace" to people in the world, but when Christians fall i so easily turn my head in disgust. but, you see, forgiveness is for unbelievers, not grace. grace is only for those who are already forgiven. and forgiveness is something i could never offer.
a couple of months ago i thought so highly of my spiritual life. and if i could of known then where i'd be now, i'd probably be quite impressed. but that is seeing with my natural eyes. the glory of God has ruined me. everything in my flesh, even if it be something spiritual, is only filthy rags if the intent of my heart is incorrect. my spiritual eyes have heightened my understanding of how wicked the human heart really is. in His mercy i have seen that my heart is desperately unrighteous. but i serve a God who does not turn a deaf ear to my cries. He is patient and kind to me. He loves the yes in my heart. He is faithful to teach me what my Spirit groans for.
i will know Him. whatever it takes, i will know him.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
alive
oh, life. i have been so stressed out. i am taking 11 credit hours this summer, and as of right now i am in class for 10 hours a day, 5 days a week. on top of that i'm doing my best to live and pay my million and one bills without any source of income. it's been difficult to say the least. i had no room to get excited about the semester ending because my 7 credit hour maymester started just 2 days later. i have no room now to get excited about my maymester ending because 2 days after it ends i will be going back to work, starting my unpaid internship, and getting 4 more credit hours under my belt for the remainder of the summer. then i start to think about next year...finishing off my college career with 21 hour semesters, and trying to work enough to pay $4oo worth of bills per month...and that isn't even mentioning food and gas. insanity. just thinking about it all kind of makes me want to throw up. not to mention, all i want to do is quit everything and get my butt back to kenya as soon as humanly possible. so needless to say, it's all had my heart a little down.
BUT, depsite the insanity, there have been these moments of absolute refreshening. moments where i truly feel alive. Seemingly ordinary moments where you feel like you're going to fly right out of your skin. Where it's as if you're standing outside of your body and watching life play itself out right before you. i swear, there have been moments where i have been so happy that i feel like someone is watching me somewhere live them out on a movie screen, with my voice narrating emotions that in my flesh i can't seem to put into words. And to any other person who could of seen these moments, they would over overlooked them without a second thought. but, these are the days you live for, and these are the moments i'll talk about on my deathbad. i know it. maybe one day i'll share them :)
my sister has given birth to the most perfect litte girl in the entire world. my Layla Elise was born a week and 4 days ago just after midnight. before this i swear, i really thought i understood the concept of life- wrong. Let me just say that i am still dumbfounded by the entire thing. i mean, my sister, brought LIFE into this world. this precious baby was INSIDE of her, and then 5 minutes later in my arms. ridiculous. seeing Ashleigh in so much pain and watching her fight so hard! never have i been that proud of someone before. there had been so much tension for those 13 hours until she was born, and when she finally arrived...oh man, it was an indescribable feeling. walking into that room and seeing ashleigh with her daughter, and my niece...i literally had no words. As i held that little girl it was as if everything from my childhood aligned. I rememered all of the hell my sister and i have been through together, and how i knew without a doubt that she was made to be this little girl's mother, and made to do it right. i stood back and had one of those moments. i looked at Ashleigh lying there talking to Tricia, and over to Avy who was taking a picutre of Jonathan holding Layla. it was almost too much to take in. in that moment i swear everything i ever needed was in that room, and the fight became so worth it.
something BIG is happening in the Spirit right now. and if you haven't taken hold of it yet, i suggest you do, because the Lord is on the move. it's been insane the last couple of months. now, i have amazing friends who have always been crazy about Jesus. but i mean, literally, every conversation i have with them now is about how desperate we are for His presence and how determined we are to go after holiness. i am so blessed to be surrounded with like minded people, all after the same goal. we are ruined. forever. as individuals and as a whole. it feels so gratifying to come to a place where it feels strange to hang out and not pray, and where there really isn't much else to talk about besides what God is doing. and not out of duty or a set of rules! it has nothing to do with striving, but rather on overflow in personal lives! i always wanted to be here, but i was always too afraid to go alone. but as always, He is ever faithful. i woke up in the middle of the night last night, and i was just overcome with adoration of Him. i am so ready to waste my life on His purposes. my life is not my own, and there isn't any part of that which scares me anymore. i am ready. i am so expactant for the future. i am anticipating His next move every single day. and everyday i think, am i really here? is it really possible to love Him this much? i am blessed to be living out my dreams. i'm will be a history maker in this land.
BUT, depsite the insanity, there have been these moments of absolute refreshening. moments where i truly feel alive. Seemingly ordinary moments where you feel like you're going to fly right out of your skin. Where it's as if you're standing outside of your body and watching life play itself out right before you. i swear, there have been moments where i have been so happy that i feel like someone is watching me somewhere live them out on a movie screen, with my voice narrating emotions that in my flesh i can't seem to put into words. And to any other person who could of seen these moments, they would over overlooked them without a second thought. but, these are the days you live for, and these are the moments i'll talk about on my deathbad. i know it. maybe one day i'll share them :)
my sister has given birth to the most perfect litte girl in the entire world. my Layla Elise was born a week and 4 days ago just after midnight. before this i swear, i really thought i understood the concept of life- wrong. Let me just say that i am still dumbfounded by the entire thing. i mean, my sister, brought LIFE into this world. this precious baby was INSIDE of her, and then 5 minutes later in my arms. ridiculous. seeing Ashleigh in so much pain and watching her fight so hard! never have i been that proud of someone before. there had been so much tension for those 13 hours until she was born, and when she finally arrived...oh man, it was an indescribable feeling. walking into that room and seeing ashleigh with her daughter, and my niece...i literally had no words. As i held that little girl it was as if everything from my childhood aligned. I rememered all of the hell my sister and i have been through together, and how i knew without a doubt that she was made to be this little girl's mother, and made to do it right. i stood back and had one of those moments. i looked at Ashleigh lying there talking to Tricia, and over to Avy who was taking a picutre of Jonathan holding Layla. it was almost too much to take in. in that moment i swear everything i ever needed was in that room, and the fight became so worth it.
something BIG is happening in the Spirit right now. and if you haven't taken hold of it yet, i suggest you do, because the Lord is on the move. it's been insane the last couple of months. now, i have amazing friends who have always been crazy about Jesus. but i mean, literally, every conversation i have with them now is about how desperate we are for His presence and how determined we are to go after holiness. i am so blessed to be surrounded with like minded people, all after the same goal. we are ruined. forever. as individuals and as a whole. it feels so gratifying to come to a place where it feels strange to hang out and not pray, and where there really isn't much else to talk about besides what God is doing. and not out of duty or a set of rules! it has nothing to do with striving, but rather on overflow in personal lives! i always wanted to be here, but i was always too afraid to go alone. but as always, He is ever faithful. i woke up in the middle of the night last night, and i was just overcome with adoration of Him. i am so ready to waste my life on His purposes. my life is not my own, and there isn't any part of that which scares me anymore. i am ready. i am so expactant for the future. i am anticipating His next move every single day. and everyday i think, am i really here? is it really possible to love Him this much? i am blessed to be living out my dreams. i'm will be a history maker in this land.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
faithful
First of all, let's go back...
It all started with a dream that I had about a month ago. Before I tell the dream, it is important to have a little background information. I have these boxes. 4 of them. They have been in my trunk since i've had a car. In these boxes I have everything from my past that I can't seem to let go of. Pictures, family pictures I stole, yearbooks, high school memorbilia, letters, and even stuffed animals from when I was a kid. Anyway, back to my dream. In my dream I was walking into an empty apartment and I was moving these boxes in. As I sat the last box down in my living room floor, I just laid down and started crying. I woke up soaked in tears. I couldn't fall back asleep so I began to talk to the Lord about this dream. I spoke to him, again, about my need to have something tangible. I feel like this is always what I am crying out for. I am always crying out for stability. I've been living on couches for 4 years now, and as grateful as I am, it is finally wearing me down to my end. I need to "un pack" my life. I desperately need something that is mine alone.
A few weeks later, I was at church and there was a woman who had a prophetic word for me. She said that she had a vision of me with a box in my arms...and in this box I kept all of the memories I couldn't let go of. She said she saw pictures, letters, and even a stuffed animal (obviously the same box). She said the Lord is wanting to break the lie that the things in this box will bring me happiness. That Satan has intentions of using these things to hold me back, and continuously remind me of what I don't and never will have. She said that Lord doesn't want me to keep one single thing from those boxes that doesn't make me smile. If it makes me bitter, angry, or hurt...get rid of it for good because these things will never change what happened to me.
So last night I resolved in my heart that I was going to be obediant to the Lord. And it was such a sweet sweet moment ( rather, hours...) that He spent with me. He individually, with each item, told me what I could keep and what I couldn't. I was so broken. But it wasn't the kind of broken that is bad necessarily. It was very bittersweet. I felt gently broken, if that makes sense. Like he slowly drew me to me knees and hovered over me while I was laying there crying. I swear I tangibly felt Him hold me as I cried harder than I have in years. It was a feeling as if someone had died. As if I wasn't just packing all of the things that hurt me into boxes in my heart where I wouldn't have to see or feel them...but I was finally letting that part of me die for good. I kept hearing the Lord speak over me, "Amber, they aren't going to hurt you anymore..." He was so gentle with me. I can't explain it, other than I was having a real interaction with the person of God last night. I felt His jealousy for me. I felt His mercy pouring over me, and I swear I felt Him mourning with me. It was one of my favorite memories I've ever had with the Lord. I will never forget it. There were a few things I kept...a lot of letters from my sister, and special memories of her and I. Really, besides her i'd like to forget almost everything else. She is the only thing that ever made me happy.
In His faithfulness, He also allowed me to find something I never expected. In the middle of this "death" I found a letter from Jonathan. I had no idea where it came from or how it got where it was. The letter was written over 2 years ago..it was before we had ever liked eachother. This is what it said:
"The Lord gave me a vision of a diamond and it must of had a million edges, and it was so complex and really shiny. And I asked more about the diamond and God said to tell Amber, "I see her as a diamond. She has so much beauty, and there are so many intricate aspects that I love about her. She is perfect just as she is...no touch ups or silver or gold is needed to compliment her. She is a flawless diamond just as I planned her to be." I LOVE YOU!" I needed so badly in that moment to know I wasn't alone. I now know that Lord told him that, all those years ago, for this very moment. He knew when He gave Jonathan that picture, that it would give me the comfort I needed in a desperately sorrowful moment i'd have. And the fact that the first thing the Lord ever showed to Jonathan concerning me was a diamond...A DIAMOND. Ah, He is just so good! I have never known anything stronger than how deeply I knew that Jonathan was supposed to be my husband in that moment. It's as if the Lord was shouting out His faithfulness to me!
Last night was hard. But, the Lord is so good. I love the way he personally teaches me His heart for me to me over and over again. He always proves Himself faithful. Everytime. He is so real to me. Now more than ever.
It all started with a dream that I had about a month ago. Before I tell the dream, it is important to have a little background information. I have these boxes. 4 of them. They have been in my trunk since i've had a car. In these boxes I have everything from my past that I can't seem to let go of. Pictures, family pictures I stole, yearbooks, high school memorbilia, letters, and even stuffed animals from when I was a kid. Anyway, back to my dream. In my dream I was walking into an empty apartment and I was moving these boxes in. As I sat the last box down in my living room floor, I just laid down and started crying. I woke up soaked in tears. I couldn't fall back asleep so I began to talk to the Lord about this dream. I spoke to him, again, about my need to have something tangible. I feel like this is always what I am crying out for. I am always crying out for stability. I've been living on couches for 4 years now, and as grateful as I am, it is finally wearing me down to my end. I need to "un pack" my life. I desperately need something that is mine alone.
A few weeks later, I was at church and there was a woman who had a prophetic word for me. She said that she had a vision of me with a box in my arms...and in this box I kept all of the memories I couldn't let go of. She said she saw pictures, letters, and even a stuffed animal (obviously the same box). She said the Lord is wanting to break the lie that the things in this box will bring me happiness. That Satan has intentions of using these things to hold me back, and continuously remind me of what I don't and never will have. She said that Lord doesn't want me to keep one single thing from those boxes that doesn't make me smile. If it makes me bitter, angry, or hurt...get rid of it for good because these things will never change what happened to me.
So last night I resolved in my heart that I was going to be obediant to the Lord. And it was such a sweet sweet moment ( rather, hours...) that He spent with me. He individually, with each item, told me what I could keep and what I couldn't. I was so broken. But it wasn't the kind of broken that is bad necessarily. It was very bittersweet. I felt gently broken, if that makes sense. Like he slowly drew me to me knees and hovered over me while I was laying there crying. I swear I tangibly felt Him hold me as I cried harder than I have in years. It was a feeling as if someone had died. As if I wasn't just packing all of the things that hurt me into boxes in my heart where I wouldn't have to see or feel them...but I was finally letting that part of me die for good. I kept hearing the Lord speak over me, "Amber, they aren't going to hurt you anymore..." He was so gentle with me. I can't explain it, other than I was having a real interaction with the person of God last night. I felt His jealousy for me. I felt His mercy pouring over me, and I swear I felt Him mourning with me. It was one of my favorite memories I've ever had with the Lord. I will never forget it. There were a few things I kept...a lot of letters from my sister, and special memories of her and I. Really, besides her i'd like to forget almost everything else. She is the only thing that ever made me happy.
In His faithfulness, He also allowed me to find something I never expected. In the middle of this "death" I found a letter from Jonathan. I had no idea where it came from or how it got where it was. The letter was written over 2 years ago..it was before we had ever liked eachother. This is what it said:
"The Lord gave me a vision of a diamond and it must of had a million edges, and it was so complex and really shiny. And I asked more about the diamond and God said to tell Amber, "I see her as a diamond. She has so much beauty, and there are so many intricate aspects that I love about her. She is perfect just as she is...no touch ups or silver or gold is needed to compliment her. She is a flawless diamond just as I planned her to be." I LOVE YOU!" I needed so badly in that moment to know I wasn't alone. I now know that Lord told him that, all those years ago, for this very moment. He knew when He gave Jonathan that picture, that it would give me the comfort I needed in a desperately sorrowful moment i'd have. And the fact that the first thing the Lord ever showed to Jonathan concerning me was a diamond...A DIAMOND. Ah, He is just so good! I have never known anything stronger than how deeply I knew that Jonathan was supposed to be my husband in that moment. It's as if the Lord was shouting out His faithfulness to me!
Last night was hard. But, the Lord is so good. I love the way he personally teaches me His heart for me to me over and over again. He always proves Himself faithful. Everytime. He is so real to me. Now more than ever.
Monday, April 14, 2008
intimacy
For once in my life i'm not sure how to articulate what i'm feeling, but i feel like i need to try...
God is taking me to this weird place with Him. Not bad weird, good weird. Until now, with the absolute purest of intentions, I wanted God for so many reasons other than the right reason. I have been so selfish. If we're honest with ourselves i would assume most of us find ourselves in this place quite often. It's not as simple and obvious as it has been perviously in my life. Recently, God has been gracious enough to show me the ways i have exploited Him, to ask me a lot of difficult questions, and to illuminate my own folly. I'm not going to share it all, but this is the big question He asked me:
Do you want me for what I can do or do you want me for who I am? Now, this might seem contradictory at first glance. But think about it. Of course, His power and ability to intervene in our lives is part of His character, and you obviously can't take it out of the equation. But we need to examine our intentions. I have needed to examine my own. What if my prayers were never answered? What if there were no healings, signs and wonders? Would we follow Him simply because He is God? Would His love and sacrifice be enough? Would we still pray? If there were no Heaven or Hell, would you still choose Him? Are we more excited about God beacuse of His power or because He is Creator? Now, i am persistant about seeing the Kingdom advancing in power, and as Christians that is our responsibility...but am i exploiting Him with it? That is the question. I have heard people say, "Oh, you're all about prayer and intercession...but i'm about healings, signs, and wonders." How can you not be about both? I believe that grieves His heart to a degree we cannot imagine.
I have never felt such a stirring before. This is real to me...I am at a huge turning point in my life. I don't want to serve His people because it's what i'm supposed to do. I want to live a life laid down for my brother because that is who He is! I want to be a servant because He was a servant! I have come to this place where i don't want to be a part of another movement, fad, or christian trend. I HAVE TO KNOW HIM. i have to for myself! As much as i acknowlege that God is using people all over this world to bring messages that my heart needs to receive...there is something inside of me that is crying out to hear it from Him. I want Him to tell me- straight from His throne! I want to touch the deepest parts of His heart, and not for my own benefit, but because i'm in love with Him and because He is a deserving and worthy God! Do we really understand that? HE IS GOD! His knowledge is unmeasurable, and the facets of His heart are unimaginable. i am going to dedicate my life to searching out these very things! and i know that out of that prayers will be answered, blessings and favor will come, and that His power will be manifested all over this world through me...but i refuse to have it backwards. i will be a person of His presence because i am intimate with Him!i will not exploit Him. i will know Him.
"For You could give to me
The gift of walking on water
And maybe, maybe I will raise the dead
But I have one life to live
And all I have to give to You, is love
I have one life to live
And all I have to give to You, is love
So won't You let me love You more,
This is all that I desire
Won't you let me love you more,
This is all that I require
Won't you let me love you more,
This is my deepest hearts desire
Won't You let me love You more,
Still more, and more
And if I never walk on water
If I never see the miracles
If I never hear Your voice aloud
Just knowing that You love me
Is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words
Is enough, is enough to satisfy
I couldn't leave even if I tried
I must have You,
I must have You,
I must have You"
Lord, I must know you.
God is taking me to this weird place with Him. Not bad weird, good weird. Until now, with the absolute purest of intentions, I wanted God for so many reasons other than the right reason. I have been so selfish. If we're honest with ourselves i would assume most of us find ourselves in this place quite often. It's not as simple and obvious as it has been perviously in my life. Recently, God has been gracious enough to show me the ways i have exploited Him, to ask me a lot of difficult questions, and to illuminate my own folly. I'm not going to share it all, but this is the big question He asked me:
Do you want me for what I can do or do you want me for who I am? Now, this might seem contradictory at first glance. But think about it. Of course, His power and ability to intervene in our lives is part of His character, and you obviously can't take it out of the equation. But we need to examine our intentions. I have needed to examine my own. What if my prayers were never answered? What if there were no healings, signs and wonders? Would we follow Him simply because He is God? Would His love and sacrifice be enough? Would we still pray? If there were no Heaven or Hell, would you still choose Him? Are we more excited about God beacuse of His power or because He is Creator? Now, i am persistant about seeing the Kingdom advancing in power, and as Christians that is our responsibility...but am i exploiting Him with it? That is the question. I have heard people say, "Oh, you're all about prayer and intercession...but i'm about healings, signs, and wonders." How can you not be about both? I believe that grieves His heart to a degree we cannot imagine.
I have never felt such a stirring before. This is real to me...I am at a huge turning point in my life. I don't want to serve His people because it's what i'm supposed to do. I want to live a life laid down for my brother because that is who He is! I want to be a servant because He was a servant! I have come to this place where i don't want to be a part of another movement, fad, or christian trend. I HAVE TO KNOW HIM. i have to for myself! As much as i acknowlege that God is using people all over this world to bring messages that my heart needs to receive...there is something inside of me that is crying out to hear it from Him. I want Him to tell me- straight from His throne! I want to touch the deepest parts of His heart, and not for my own benefit, but because i'm in love with Him and because He is a deserving and worthy God! Do we really understand that? HE IS GOD! His knowledge is unmeasurable, and the facets of His heart are unimaginable. i am going to dedicate my life to searching out these very things! and i know that out of that prayers will be answered, blessings and favor will come, and that His power will be manifested all over this world through me...but i refuse to have it backwards. i will be a person of His presence because i am intimate with Him!i will not exploit Him. i will know Him.
"For You could give to me
The gift of walking on water
And maybe, maybe I will raise the dead
But I have one life to live
And all I have to give to You, is love
I have one life to live
And all I have to give to You, is love
So won't You let me love You more,
This is all that I desire
Won't you let me love you more,
This is all that I require
Won't you let me love you more,
This is my deepest hearts desire
Won't You let me love You more,
Still more, and more
And if I never walk on water
If I never see the miracles
If I never hear Your voice aloud
Just knowing that You love me
Is enough to keep me here
Just hearing those words
Is enough, is enough to satisfy
I couldn't leave even if I tried
I must have You,
I must have You,
I must have You"
Lord, I must know you.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Identity
I want to be His witness to the end... TO THE END! I know where I came from. I know where I'm going. My Father He is God. My Maker He is my Husband. Eternity is my home. His name is written on my forehead and my name is written on the palm of His hand. He is mine and I am His... HE IS MINE AND I AM HIS! I am my Beloved's and He is mine. Rightly do I love Him. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death the Lord He is my Shepherd... HE IS MY SHEPHERD!
awake
This is more for me than anything else I think... Sometimes I feel so utterly unhappy with who I am as a Christian. One day I am a brave, confident warrior who is consumed with the battle...and then the next I feel nothing short of a complacent bystander who simply watches the war from afar. I take part in celebrating victories for the Kingdom, but I am so quick to retreat in the face of danger. What does that say about my character? Am I fully awake to the things I claim to walk in? I am desperately unsatisfied. There is a holy disatisfaction within me that cries out for more! I am what any person would call "passionate" about my faith. Some would even say radical. But, by what definition? The world's defnition? The definition given by domesticated Christianity? I often wonder what God thinks as He looks upon this world, and upon His people. God called his people to do some pretty rediculous things (by our standards). His disciples left everything. So I find it quite comedic when I see people who think they "do God a favor" by showing up to church every Sunday, and by living a "good" life with good deeds and empty, elaborate words. Think about the miracles in the Bible. There were 34 "performing miracles" that were done by Jesus, and that doesn't include works done by the disciples. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. Agreed? So why do we think He won't do those things today? Why are we surprised when we see someone in a wheelchair stand up and walk? Shouldn't this be something that we expect? Aside from this, Jesus also promised that we would do these things. IT WASN'T SUPPSOED TO END THERE!...John 14:11-13 "Believe me when I say that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; or at least believe on the evidence of the miracles themselves. I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father." The very power that raised Jesus from the dead resides in us, and so many times we refuse to acknowledge it. What have we become as a people of God? Do we even really know who He is? I am frightened that we are all Pharisees of our own time. We have become so jaded in our knowldge of God. I am desperate to know His true nature. Simply believing isn't enough. I long for God to look upon my heart, and to see it truly consumed and ready. I can't worry about people and their opinions of me...I know God for who He is. I know what He can and will do and I am not ashamed that I walk in his fullness. A friend recently told me that "relevancy has become nothing more than relativity". Wow. That spoke volumes to my heart! So called believers thought that the disciples were out of their mind...so why do we try so incredibly hard to pacify the world into a life dedicated to Christ? Shouldn't the gospel be enough? If Jesus said that He would draw all men unto himself, then why are Christians wasting their life trying to make following Him "look cool"? Our calling is real. And I refuse to be one who is swept away with the wicked. I have heard the voice of the Spirit, and I have felt Him shake my very foundation. I have seen things in the natural that people would never believe. I won't hide or apologize. I know Truth. And Truth has awakened me from the slumber the world so effortlessly lulls even Christians into. My oil is fresh, my heart is awake, and I won't sleep anymore...
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